Somebody's got a case of the Monday's.

I wonder how many people wake up on Monday mornings and think of that line from Office Space. That movie is comedic genius, mostly because of the fact that it is simply too damn easy to point out the idiocy that exists in the office environment.

People care about the spacing on letterhead paper, how many paper clip boxes are in stock at any given time, and most importantly: whether you have gone through all of your email from the weekend or not. Office work is made to be unproductive, costly, and not time-efficient. We sit at desks for eight hours, doing things that can be done in two with full concentration? I won't pretend to have an answer as to why this is, but I have certainly found it to be the truth in every field.

Today I am dealing with mind-numbing check processing in addition to congestion in my throat and nose. Good times. What is it about Monday that makes us all cringe? I think its possibly the prediction of a bad week. The prediction of sleepless nights and days at work that make you want to bang your head against a desk. This week has the potential to do the same to me but I will vow not to let it!

Tonight is my panel at the Ford Foundation with Carnegie, Rockefeller, and Ford Foundations. I am really excited even though my head feels like a balloon. Do you think they will have free coffee??? Some of the perks of being a Milano student I suppose. Anywho, there is about an hour left here. I will use my new stapler to help process these checks. This reminds me of Milton in Office Space too, when he burns down the building to get his revenge.

Don't worry folks, I'm not doing that anytime soon!
I'm actually terrified of fire.

Thursdays

Thursdays are always strange. They are ALMOST as good as Fridays, but not quite. They are late enough in the week to taste freedom, but still a bit stifling. Why can't it just BE Friday already? Why must Thursday linger? Today is one of those beautiful days outside where you cant help but get excited for spring. It sounds so cheesy and trite to say such a thing, but honestly, you cannot help it. There are peacocks on the grounds where I work, and today they are excited. There are three males, and according to gossip, they are now without any female friends because the mating got too aggressive and one peacock was killed!

You men and your mating. Goodness.
Anyways, now by the end of the week they are always in a restless fit. They do dances to attract females, and send out thousands of mating cries. The traditional peacock that sits in the front of the Cathedral is the most determined. His all-white counterpart that spends his time near the Homeless Shelter building is much more calm. He seems to be waiting for the right lady friend to come to him. He is Mr. Confident.

They have the luxury of waiting around for the right person to come to them. Sadly, they have no idea that the females have been taken out of the compound and they are doomed to call out for them in vain. Humans have the advantage of being able to try different techniques to try and get a mate. Sometimes they get them by trying, and other times things just happen. I think that is what happened to me. I was sitting in class one day, and BOOM. Well, not quite. But almost. I know it's fairly dumb to say that we had been destined to meet all along, but I guess the faith part of my brain believes it. I believe that B and I were meant to be together, and that we would always have found each other. It may not have been right away, but we would have. We have many differences, but I think that is what makes me challenge myself in all sorts of ways.

There are never enough ways for me to express what my relationship means to me. That is not to say it is without its challenges, but the challenges are what is making us grow and change into new and more innovative people. I know that one day his ideas will be realized about making a difference through economic development and sustainable urban growth. He has many good ideas and has the people skills it needs to make people listen to you. He knows a lot about how to talk to people when he has something important to say--which is truly half the battle. One thing I have realized about falling deeper and deeper into love is that it can go two directions--you can lose yourself or you can really become yourself. B is teaching me more and more about what it is like to be me.

Downward Facing Dog

Dogs are my favorite animals. They always have been and always will be. I know its not very exotic or original, but I think they are very comforting. I guess because I find this blog to be all about honesty, I want to be able to say that one day--Summer 2006, I bought a puppy and I named her Molly. I bought her in the American Kennel Club dog shop on 62nd and Lex, where all the cute Upper East Siders buy the dogs that fit in their Louis Vuitton purses. She was $1000, not including the fact that she needed a doctor, and all of her stuff that I had to buy too.

An Israeli woman sold her to me, and I think influenced my purchase dramatically. They cleaned her up and tied a pink bow in her hair and I brought her home. I was terrified but so excited. She was so cute and I couldn't help but fall in love immediately. After a short time, give it three days of hell, I realized that my full-time and sometimes unconventional work schedule was completely ill-suited for a puppy. Crying and upset, I got into a cab and took Molly uptown to the dog store, where I lost half my money and all of my dignity as I handed her back, crying. The woman glared at me as I handed it to the clerk, saying "You should probably think about things before you do them." What a saleswoman.

I shouldn't have cared what she thought about the puppy, but I felt awful. I had abandoned a friend. We all knew that a cute puppy from an upscale store would find a home soon enough in a giant penthouse, but it took another two months before I could in all good conscience walk down that block. This made it very difficult to get to my grad school at night, as I had to bypass it on the way from the subway.

My point is both that the dog helped me, and that the dog is an example of what I am still trying to attain. She helped me by keeping me from being lonely, from being a nice companion, and by bringing a smile to my face. She hurt me because I did what I always do, and thought that I could take care of everything and everyone, even though I very well could not. I can't help but think about this sometimes in Yoga while I am practicing my downward dog position.

This position is something you have to do, on average, 20 times in Yoga class. Its unavoidable. Its like how every morning, you have to get up and pee even though its not time to get out of bed yet. Like that. I have found that downward dog is where I feel at my most calm, even though I am not very good at it yet. Aside from it giving me a good stretch, it allows me to try and perfect it. I know what a perfect downward dog is supposed to look like, and so I have some goal to attain. I also can feel my own flexibility level. At the beginning of class, I am completely sore and stiff. By the end, Down dog feels like just as much work as everything else, but it is something I can do--its something I have developed throughout the class.

Today I am realizing that maybe its ok to not be able to do things you thought you could--have a puppy at the age of 21, have the perfect down dog in Yoga class, have a perfect econ presentation where your palms don't sweat. Either way, I am trying to recognize these things. All of the things I have read about Yoga have told me that the first step to uncovering yourself is knowing yourself. I miss that dog, but I hope one day I can have all sorts of things in my life that I can take care of -- as well as myself. For right now, I am starting with me.

Chronicling Philanthropy

Today I decided it was about time I got down to blog business. Mainly, it's pretty much time that I sit down and think about some of the problems I am having with (ultimately, of course) starting my own organization.
I know, I know. Things don't happen overnight. Ugh, if there is one piece of advice people can stop giving me, its that catch phrase. I KNOW I am impatient, so therefore I know that things don't happen overnight. There is, of course, the problem (that I'm trying to correct with Yoga) that I always want things to happen overnight anyway. As if wanting it really badly will overshadow the unlikely possibility that things will happen that quickly. To my left is a map of Mozambique. It is, specifically, a map of Mozambique natural resources shown through the legend. I am keeping it right there on the left side of my blog to remind me of the fact that I don't want to be here forever.

Frankly, if it were up to me and not financial constraints, I would simply abandon ship right now and focus solely on school. I was walking through the NYU campus yesterday and reminiscing about when life was as simple as wanting to get a good grade. I am a perpetual nerd. I love school. I love the excitement that comes from being in a class where people are interesting and the professor has a sense of humor. I hope that all these years of schooling are going to lead me to a better place. I have found, through my few years in the working world, that people never really want you to have a ton of ambition. They would love to have the same person working in a job for twenty years...content with being where they are in life, instead of constantly being on a stepping stone to something else.

I wonder if I will ever get like that. So far, not at all close. My ultimate goal is to open my own nonprofit organization, dealing with Southern Africa and poverty alleviation. I am also interested in HIV/AIDS prevention--but I actually think I could be of better use to help alleviate the poverty of those infected rather than being on the medical side. My math/science skills for coming up with a new vaccine are slightly underdeveloped.....

I am particularly interested in the ways in which the networks already in place in these communities can help sustain poverty alleviation throughout the region. I find myself focusing on Southern Africa for a few reasons. I have always had an interest in the region because South Africa is usually an American's first exposure to African culture. I found myself expanding, seeing how so many different cultures and societies can exist (some peacefully, some not) on one continent. I know I am not the first to be fascinated with such a question, but my B is bringing my interest to Mozambique, particularly because of the fact that it is attracting more private investment than helpful aid. THIS in itself is a true irony for an African country.

I need to explore these questions further...
If you are reading this and have any good resources or books on African society, throw them my way!

Food, Glorious Food!

In case you are one of the few people not recognizing the above quote, its a song from Oliver! the musical-which I have seen about once the entire way through. Today I am watching Celebrity Fit Club and enjoying the fact that it is the weekend, and yet the fact that Monday is looming is somewhat getting to me. This doesn't really have anything to do with food, in theory, however I think I'm getting somewhere with this. 

When you eat a really good meal, you feel 100% fulfilled. Literally, your stomach is filled, but also I think there is a part of my heart that is filled because of the goodness of the food. Today, I have really been thinking about why it is that I sink into this doomed mindset during the week. I need to keep the "Full Belly" of the weekend, all week long. I realize that this is harder to do this action than write it down on my nice blog, however I really think this is key. 

I know we need to start eating better. I bought this book a few months ago called "Food and Mood," written by a few doctors about the linkages between how you feel and what you eat. I also am starting to experiment with different types of vitamin supplements. This includes cranberry and vitamin c (I can't stand cranberry juice)....Eventually I want to be taking selenium and fish oils.. though seriously the fish oils gross me out a little bit. Particularly the smell. The important point is that the things going into my body need to sustain me from weekend to weekend.. and moreover, from day to day. 

I know it takes time for all of these changes, for all of these transitions and figuring out my exact path. Maybe I am rushing to be satisfied when I should be enjoying every course of this meal that I am eating. 

I hope that these books are right and that there are natural solutions to fighting things such as Depression. I definitely like the idea of taking what is already there, and not really searching after some chemical that is going to "correct" or "numb" me. 

By the way, look for a post this week about my book about Yoga and Depression.. my thoughts on it are too overwhelming to put down until I have finished the book. 

A New Mantra

Check out that pose! That is called a Bind, and it usually is done after you have already done your warrior positions. Slowly but surely I hope to learn all of these names. It could possibly take a long time. What I enjoy about this position is, quite frankly, its name. I don't even think I am advanced enough to do a Bind properly--and have tried several times to do so in class and have failed. B can do it I believe, but he is much more advanced than I am. This position, that I cannot do, is why I love Yoga. Or am beginning to love it.

Yoga takes something, like a Bind, and makes it the opposite of itself. It makes the Bind into something relaxing. It's not a Bind you can't get yourself out of. In fact, it is the opposite. It is a Bind that it is in your best interests to get into. This idea of turning your stress, your obstacles, your hardships into something necessary and fulfilling is, I think, what Yoga is all about. It needs to become what my life is all about as well. Taking the things that are struggling inside me, and confront them head on.

I have help in this regard. I am not a lone Yoga student alone on a beach (I wish I were on a beach!) I in fact have supportive friends and family to help me. Last night I went to a wedding expo, where there are TONS of brides to be--trying to figure out how they want to present their love to the world. Perhaps at our wedding Brunno and I can just do Yoga positions at the altar. This way, we can show people how we want our relationship to be presented--through the fact that we place ourselves in challenging positions and try to make them work for us.

I came home to a lovely site. I came home to candles and a bath. Two things a girl never turns down together. We just enjoyed each others company. I think sometimes what makes us strongest together is the fact that we are not afraid to confront the things that bind us. They make life hard, but they also make for those amazing moments when you can unravel, and just float.

Time Goes By So Slowly

Those are the words of Madonna, so I figured they are basically as good as Gospel. This is also the mantra of anyone at a job that they hate. Hate is such a strong word. Dislike. Truthfully, though, sometimes that feeling is hate. It is the hate that comes from feeling like you aren't getting what you deserve--which is also what Madonna's song is about too!

Today I had a thought about growing up. Obviously it was very profound, but even though you may be in shock I will share it with you anyway: IT SUCKS.
Well, it doesn't completely suck. I am marrying the most wonderful soulmate a person could ask for and getting to learn my lessons with him by my side. We love each other unconditionally and that is pretty much 4 million times better than any day sitting at a desk with fluorescent lighting. I haven't spent a lot of time talking about him because the feelings I feel are very inherent for me...they just are. It's like talking about the fact that I am a female, or something. It just sometimes needs to be pointed out that what is making life worth living is learning to figure out things with the person I love the most.

Romanticism aside, I know that I am having the 20-something's dilemma of idealism. I want to change everything, and I want to refuse to settle. All of the anger that comes with having this goal unrealized comes bubbling out of my mouth, and of my eyeballs sometimes when I can't control it. I know that I need to realize my potential and power, and to grow beyond what I see as my own limitations. What winds up happening is usually a whole bunch of nothing, and I know that that has to change. Sometimes I go back and read my own Blog to cheer myself up. I need to keep reminding myself of the same things.

Going back to Elizabeth Gilbert, the writer of "Eat, Pray, Love" that I cite occasionally,
she explained in the beginning of her work that she saved herself from getting incredibly upset by writing to herself on a piece of paper. "It's okay, I am here," she wrote. She reassured herself that there are always two sides. There is the everything sucks and is hard and difficult side, and there is the I CAN DO THIS I KNOW I CAN side.
Me?

Today I am both :)

Knowledge from Above..

No, folks. This post is not about God. Or any other divine being that gave me knowledge. In fact, I am talking about the "above" of the seemingly worst kind... the above of the rich and influential. The people that have the jobs and experiences that I want, and the types of stores of knowledge that I will hopefully one day acquire. We had a lecture in my Philanthropy in the 21st Century class by our Dean, Fred Hochberg. He himself is an extraordinary philanthropist and man, combining the modern liberalism that it takes to run a university such as the New School, with the sensitivities of someone who has been in all types of circles--from the disenfranchised to the incredibly powerful. He himself identifies as a Jewish gay male, something that is not necessarily as familiar a position as one would think.

We had a symposium where he was able to answer questions from both our professor, as well as from us. I still have some questions I would like to see answered, I think, although it was very comprehensive.
He discussed some of the following things:

• Difference between philanthropy and charity
• Doing something as opposed to just observing a problem at work.
  
• FINCA (micro credit organization that I am going to need to look into further...)
  
• Relationship between philanthropy and politics--aka creating change through both nonprofit work and political candidates.
  
• Political reality versus policy issue
• social entrepreneurship
  
• The benefits and challenges of working with micro lending in a very formal economy like the U.S.
  
• Amount of money you are giving away should be relative to the demands you make on program evaluation
• program replication being a good benchmark for success
• Development is, ultimately "Over analyzed and under-thought."

• "Some of us like to be loved, some of us like to be feared."

I really need to look into the micro-lending process more in depth, however I am very skeptical that the micro-lending is something that can blossom in the U.S.

Micro-lending is based on the Grameen model

These are my random non-profit thoughts for the day...there is a lot in my brain right now. I'm not quite sure how to handle it... I hope that I can create the calm within myself...sooner rather than later!

Dreams coming true..

Well folks here I am --
I am in Starbucks blogging on my new MacBook. Dreams really do come true. I think it is truly hilarious that I still insist on writing on this blog even though I know that no one (except for B) is reading it. I guess something about it helps me in some weird way. The internet (free internet that is) is not great here. Thank you, Starbucks for making me pay for something as easy to make free as ... the internet! You already need it for your credit card machines, so passing it on to the customer is pretty idiot-proof. As we say in Economics, your opportunity costs are very low. 

So some thoughts on Dreams coming true today. First off, I am fairly certain that I will fail this economics midterm. I was telling someone today--its not even the failure that is a hard pill to swallow. It is the awkward moment when they are handing back the tests, and you have to make eye contact with the Professor/TA as they show you your failure. It is a weird situation that makes me really the most awkward person EVER. I don't know, I hope that he will be able to give me some advice on how to pass this hell of a class. 

I actually did the reading for today. 

I was also thinking more specifically about articulating dreams, articulating what you want out of life. I get this email blog called a Motivation Tool Kit that emails me (once every three weeks or so,) tips for motivating yourself to go after your dreams. It is pretty cheesy, but still good. One of the most important things that they emphasize is the need to constantly be aware of what you want your end-goal to be--what you want at the end of your proverbial rainbow. I have some ideas, but am completely the typical 23 year old. I am LOST. I know that I am not the only one in my position. I know because it is a constant topic of conversation in my G-Chat instead of work universe. People are constantly complaining that college was not what they thought, that NYU leaves you out in the cold with little idea of where to go. 

They could all be right. 

They could all be wrong. 

It could completely be 100% our job to figure it out, or it could be other people's to share their wisdom and advice to help us along the way. OR it could be both. I try to list in my mind sometimes the things that I want to accomplish, but the lists always grow bigger than I am. It turns from "get a good grade on my economics exam" to "curing world hunger" I don't know what it is that does this exactly.. 

maybe I will try to work on a more realistic list. I can check one thing off of it---

BUY NEW COMPUTER--DONE!

 

Another Bit of Poetry

One thing that really helps me is to read things that I find inspirational. When B and I have a real house of our own, I think I will paint an entire wall full of quotes to read.
Here are some things from the Yoga to the People! website.

ANYWAY

People are unreasonable, illogical and self-centered.
Love them anyway!
If you do good, people will accuse you
of selfish, ulterior motives.
Do good anyway!
If you are successful, you will win
false friends and enemies.
Succeed anyway!
The good you do will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway!
Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway!
What you spend years building may be
destroyed overnight.
Build anyway!
People really need help
but may attack you if you help them.
Help them anyway!
Give the world the best you have
and you’ll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you’ve got anyway!

Written by: Mother Teresa

Can we all agree that no one says it better than Mother Teresa? Yesterday, after the class was finished, the teacher read a quote that my mom introduced me to - she bought me one of those inspirational magnets that hangs on our fridge. I love the quotes they share because it ties in the experience for me as a whole.

Stretch

If no one has checked out CNN.com yet today, this picture seems a justified enough reason to do so. The picture, taken of Chinese riot police inside Lhasa, Tibet, shows me a lot about the state of our world today. Time and time again, the Associated Press finds these photographs that stop time--that place us in the situation in this world that we hope to never find ourselves. This could be at the forefront of a war, when a new government is forming, beautiful surroundings, or famous dignitaries or peace agreement signings. Each of them seems to be sharing a piece of the far-away world with us. This picture shows me something that you can't even fully grasp without staring at it for more than just a second. It is more than just innocence and corruption, violence, and peace, but also just the simple passage of time. This is a Tibetan child facing Chinese soldiers, but who knows where this child will stand politically when it comes time for him to speak out against whatever violence or problems plague his reality. The problems will always be there.

What these people need are some good stretches, some good time to release all the tension that is building within them. The picture below illustrates one of the poses I am having trouble with--Chair Pose. It stretches your back and thighs, and really hurts after only a few seconds. Its hard to imagine that such tension can bring about such peace. (As the Yogi's claim...)

I am realizing, however, that just like wars--where people think that tension brings peace, so does the body itself. You never know what it is like to feel true release in a muscle until you tighten it. You never know how to appreciate solitude if you have never been around people. The opposites and situations that create them are the things that are hardest to deal with in life. This Tibetan child knows not what his place is in the larger "Free Tibet" conflict, but does know that what makes him happy is when others are happy.

I am learning this part of the stretch also...the reaching part that forces you to know your limits, but also to reach out and share yourself and your love or happiness with someone else. This is obviously easier said than done, but I am learning and trying every day. I am beginning to realize my own power. I say beginning because I am truly at the beginning.
As I sit here waiting for lab results, I am realizing that everything has a purpose and a place... this child will hopefully find his place in a chaotic world--and I am still a child, trying to do the same.

Rain

I once heard, not even sure from where, that when it rains, God is crying. I have also heard that New York is getting wet weather from a cold front sweeping through the region. Frankly, I don't really know or care about why it's raining or cold--I know that it is. This morning I waited for the bus in the rain with my Yoga mat and my bag, thinking about the fact that people will do almost anything to remain in New York. Take the bus when it never comes, work long hours for little pay and little mental stimulation, and struggle with the fact that even though people sell umbrellas on every corner, it seems like a waste of money to buy one.

While I was waiting for the bus, and while I was riding it, I was thinking about the tension in my shoulders and neck from the fact that I insist on carrying the Library of Congress book collection with me every day to and from work. I usually don't even take a lunch break--so I am not sure why I do it. I always need to feel prepared. Call it obsession, call it compulsion, call it a source of comfort. If I am not prepared with each of my books that I am reading/going to read/one day soon will analyze, I feel lost. I also thought about the fact that maybe the tension is, aside from the weight of the books, the weight of my mind quite literally on my shoulders.
I think about a million things per minute (as most brains do, but I somehow think that I average more than the usual.) I am thinking about (in no particular order):

1. Immigration
2. Masters Degree Programs
3. South African NGO's
   
4. The Election - Go Obama!
5. Career Paths
6. Family
7. Love
8. Food
9. Money
10. Yoga
11. getting in shape
12. things to do at work on any given day
    
13. How i will coordinate my after-work plans
14. friendships or the lack thereof

Yesterday in Yoga, I did a position where you lay on the floor and tuck your body over your hip so it stretches the opposite hip. Now would be a good time to Google the position name but I simply don't feel like it. I cried almost the entire way through Yoga--or at least teared up throughout. I am not sure why. I don't know if it is release of all of this anger or tension, but my tears were like pushing themselves out of my eyeballs. It was my own version of rain. I couldn't help it. It was as if God was pushing them out of me. I think that it could take a while before I resolve all of the things inside me that come out my eyeballs at random times.

I hope the rain stops soon, both inside and out. There's always an end to the rain at one time or another. Sometimes you just get a bonus good day--or sometimes you have to create your own way to live with the rain -- like for people in Seattle where it rains all the time. They see rain differently now than when they first moved there, I bet.

Maybe I am on my way to seeing the rain differently now too.

Chakra

So yesterday I had an interesting experience. I went to Yoga at Yoga to the People--this Yoga place on St. Mark's Place in the Village that is completely donation based. When you go, you pay what you have-you aren't constricted by feeling like you have to pay the suggested $5 donation. It's like what the Metropolitan Museum of Art would be like if the docents didn't glare at you when you handed over a penny.
The picture I have posted is of the studio from their website, where people are resting in "Child's Pose."

Don't be fooled, I just learned that term yesterday. As the teacher said, people "Fake it in here all the time..." I took that to mean that there are plenty of young twenty-something's looking for enlightenment that pretend to connect with the Divine during Yoga.

In that book I keep coming back to, "Eat Pray, Love," Elizabeth Gilbert's time at the Ashram in India is full of Yoga and meditation. She is, however, the opposite of a pretender. She acknowledges the struggle that occurs when she is trying to gain control over her mind and spirit. There is a noisy voice in her head that interrupts her path to God, and she wishes she could ignore it. I had that experience yesterday. B seemed able to close his eyes and think inside himself, but I was paying attention to the strangest things--the breathing of the guy in back of me, whether it was sanitary to put your head on a rented Yoga mat, how much the teacher looked like Mel Gibson in Beverly Hills Cop. I wasn't able to find my breath, and just concentrate on that. Maybe it will get better. Maybe soon someone will see me walking down the street in leggings with a Yoga mat swung over my shoulder and be intimidated just like i was.

Speaking of enlightenment...

I feel so bad about the Dalai Lama. I know maybe I shouldn't have feelings about it one way or another because I am not Tibetan, nor have I met him, or been enlightened by his prose, but the way he is angrily pointing his finger at the invisible Chinese officials on Cnn.com is making me sad.

Perhaps this is showing me what B and I learned last night on the National Geographic Channel--the difference between man and Ape is not a matter of capability, as much as it is a matter of mind and spirit. Sure, there are differences that make these complexities possible, but deep down the Dalai Lama is just as upset as the angry Tibetans, though he is "completely committed to nonviolence." I feel bad because I used to be ignorant about so many things, and now i am struggling for enlightenment within myself, but also am struggling to make sense of this world we are in.


That's the picture that I was talking about -- you can even feel his anger through the photograph. I wish I could hug him and tell him that the Chinese will give in to International pressure because of the success or failure of the Olympics hanging in the balance, however there is no real international pressure to speak of.
Read more about Tibet: obviously, Wikipedia.

Quotable Quotes

I think i have become one of those annoying people who really like quotes. NO idea why, but sometimes its true--other people say things better than people who are thinking them deep inside their minds.

I was on Oprah.com this morning at work, perusing her "Spirit and Self" section. I know what you're thinking. Why don't you just wear an apron and live in New Jersey??

But seriously there were some really nice quotes--INCLUDING one from Elizabeth Gilbert, author of "Eat, Pray, Love!"

Here are some for the reader's pleasure (or disgust if you are really not into the quotes thing..)

"Maybe the question of 'Who am I?' is not so much a question [as] a journey. Every time I answer that question, I learn a little bit more about myself. It's not so much answering the question that is as important as the things I find out about myself on the way."

"If you have the courage to take the risks to say, 'I'm going to reinvent this part of my life,' you can be very, very happy."

Change

To change is something that is far from easy. Changing your clothes, your hair, the way you behave, act or think--it is all under the umbrella of challenges. Things that make us work hard, pull our hair out, stay awake at three in the morning trying to think of something better and more exciting to do with our time than stress--but for some reason, we just can't.

I tried to look up some clever Wikipedia definition for change, but only came up with this:

• Change is cyclical, and one expects circumstances to recur. This concept, often seen as related to Eastern world views such as Hinduism or Buddhism, nevertheless had great popularity in Europe in the Middle ages, and often appears in depictions of The Wheel of Fortune.

Change may require organisms and organizations to adapt (see also evolution).

Changes in society have been observed through slow, gradual modifications in mindsets and beliefs as well as through dramatic action (see revolutions). History is one of the tools used to document change.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, Wikipedia--you certainly are onto something. Societies change. Revolutions happen. People decide that whatever is in their current reality is NOT acceptable, fair, pleasant, etc. I feel I am on the cusp of a new revolution. A revolution of self. I haven't thought this entirely through yet--but I am pretty sure that my life is going to be pretty awesome. I have many things in my life that are pretty incredible, and I am trying to unstick the blockage that has been put in my mind about seeing those things. Since I'm pretty sure not many people will read this blog, I guess I don't have to worry or care about being too personal.

I guess I have been thinking about where our life will be -- Brunno and I. I wonder if we will live in Europe or in Africa or here in the states, and how I will feel about any and all of them. I found this website:

http://www.branchor.com/bookhafh.htm

This website, and countless others are dedicated to those that have made the choice to live abroad, to separate themselves from what is familiar and to truly Attraversiamo, cross over into a new land of living. I am blessed by whoever it is that blesses people (still answering this question as well...) with a man who will go with me wherever the wind blows, and vice versa.

The picture above, which I happen to think is an amazing photo, is from my friend Brianne's wedding. For some reason I think it really captures B and I. I love it. It's so cheesy to put pictures of oneself on a blog, but for some reason I think this picture epitomizes what my life is like when I am happy. I am focused, but content. Relaxed, but also energized. That is really what my happiness is for me.

Hola, Como Estas?

Alright, alright it is a lame title. I admit this entirely. It is in honor of my official move to the world of Spanish Harlem. Crazy, eclectic Spanish Harlem. Not entirely my move, of course--Brunno and I both slaved away to carry our entire apartment's worth of shit from the corner of Rich and Wealthy to the corner of Gentrification and Mohammed the deli man. The atmosphere is one of Attraversiamo as well--everything is sort of in the middle of changing. Our building is a mix of those that are gentrifying the place and their victims. When we were moving things on Saturday the whole place smelled like collard greens and chicken.. mmmmm..
(*Special shout out to N, L, B, & T for their major help with our move..)

B thinks this will be good for me..to experience different cultures and learn to live in diverse environments. I agree. It's a new challenge, but as i have already been discovering, that is surely what life is all about.

I want to talk for a short minute about what it means to have faith. I think i may also be in the midst of a faith transition as well. I think that a certain someone special in my life is allowing my faith to come back. I am beginning to see a connection between all of these transitions in my life and the agency that it takes to make them--that there is some higher being controlling it all. I am not even talking most about things like moving or getting married. I am more talking about the day-to-day, and feeling a connection with the people and places around you. I am saying prayers from different religions, all sort of leading me towards an understanding of what I want regarding faith, and how it will affect me.

A special thanks to my love, who is continuously helping me learn, grow, and become the woman I want to be.

Today

Today is a freezing day. I think the high in New York City is in the thirties. We are moving tomorrow. Truthfully, the whole idea of a blog intimidates me, partly because I think that the things in my life that happen are not, on the whole, worthy of an entire space on the internet-an entire web address, an entire title.

OH let me explain the title first and foremost. Very key. If any readers that are reading this blog have ever read "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert, they do not need any explanation whatsoever. The title is quite obvious. The book itself is about a woman going through a painful divorce that decides she will travel for a full year in three different places:
1) Italy, Rome to be exact. Here she explores pleasure (learning Italian for no good reason, eating amazing food..)
2) India. She studies at an Ashram where her "Guru" is from. She was intending to stay there for only part of her time in India, but winds up staying the whole time.
3) Indonesia, Bali to be exact. Here, she comes back to study with a medicine man that she met a few years prior on a previous trip. He prophesied that she would come back and teach him English.

The book is not able to be captured by my lame summaries, it has to be read. I am finishing my second read-- and I believe I will go for a third at some point. Attraversiamo winds up being Gilbert's favorite word in Italian that she learns while in Italy.

It all goes a little something like this...

"So far, though, my favorite thing to say in all of Italian is a simple, common word: Attraversiamo.
It means, 'Let's Cross Over.' Friends say it to each other constantly when they're walking down the sidewalk and have decided it's time to switch to the other side of the street. Which is to say, this is literally a pedestrian word. Nothing special about it. Still, for some reason, it goes right through me. The first time Giovanni said it to me, we were walking near the Colosseum. I suddenly heard him speak that beautiful word and I stopped dead, demanding, 'What does that mean? What did you just say?'
'Attraversiamo.'
He couldn't understand why I liked it so much. Let's cross the street? But to my ear, it's the perfect combination of Italian sounds. The wistful ah of introduction, the rolling trill, the soothing s....."

The quote about Attraversiamo goes on for quite some time, so I will spare you. It is, case and point, a way for the author to express her emotions about a transition.

This, folks, is the part that is about me. I haven't spent time living in Rome, nor can I speak a word of Italian (aside from the usual annoying Americanized words, like Bella, Ciao, and Grazie! I am in transition. Whatever that means.

I just moved to a new apartment. I am getting married. I am finishing one degree and beginning another. I am at a new job.
The list continues.

What is it about me, or maybe about humans in general that has us seek out different things constantly? It is not like anyone gets up this morning and says to themselves "I hope today is EXACTLY like yesterday. That would be superb."