Somebody's got a case of the Monday's.

I wonder how many people wake up on Monday mornings and think of that line from Office Space. That movie is comedic genius, mostly because of the fact that it is simply too damn easy to point out the idiocy that exists in the office environment.

People care about the spacing on letterhead paper, how many paper clip boxes are in stock at any given time, and most importantly: whether you have gone through all of your email from the weekend or not. Office work is made to be unproductive, costly, and not time-efficient. We sit at desks for eight hours, doing things that can be done in two with full concentration? I won't pretend to have an answer as to why this is, but I have certainly found it to be the truth in every field.

Today I am dealing with mind-numbing check processing in addition to congestion in my throat and nose. Good times. What is it about Monday that makes us all cringe? I think its possibly the prediction of a bad week. The prediction of sleepless nights and days at work that make you want to bang your head against a desk. This week has the potential to do the same to me but I will vow not to let it!

Tonight is my panel at the Ford Foundation with Carnegie, Rockefeller, and Ford Foundations. I am really excited even though my head feels like a balloon. Do you think they will have free coffee??? Some of the perks of being a Milano student I suppose. Anywho, there is about an hour left here. I will use my new stapler to help process these checks. This reminds me of Milton in Office Space too, when he burns down the building to get his revenge.

Don't worry folks, I'm not doing that anytime soon!
I'm actually terrified of fire.

Thursdays

Thursdays are always strange. They are ALMOST as good as Fridays, but not quite. They are late enough in the week to taste freedom, but still a bit stifling. Why can't it just BE Friday already? Why must Thursday linger? Today is one of those beautiful days outside where you cant help but get excited for spring. It sounds so cheesy and trite to say such a thing, but honestly, you cannot help it. There are peacocks on the grounds where I work, and today they are excited. There are three males, and according to gossip, they are now without any female friends because the mating got too aggressive and one peacock was killed!

You men and your mating. Goodness.
Anyways, now by the end of the week they are always in a restless fit. They do dances to attract females, and send out thousands of mating cries. The traditional peacock that sits in the front of the Cathedral is the most determined. His all-white counterpart that spends his time near the Homeless Shelter building is much more calm. He seems to be waiting for the right lady friend to come to him. He is Mr. Confident.

They have the luxury of waiting around for the right person to come to them. Sadly, they have no idea that the females have been taken out of the compound and they are doomed to call out for them in vain. Humans have the advantage of being able to try different techniques to try and get a mate. Sometimes they get them by trying, and other times things just happen. I think that is what happened to me. I was sitting in class one day, and BOOM. Well, not quite. But almost. I know it's fairly dumb to say that we had been destined to meet all along, but I guess the faith part of my brain believes it. I believe that B and I were meant to be together, and that we would always have found each other. It may not have been right away, but we would have. We have many differences, but I think that is what makes me challenge myself in all sorts of ways.

There are never enough ways for me to express what my relationship means to me. That is not to say it is without its challenges, but the challenges are what is making us grow and change into new and more innovative people. I know that one day his ideas will be realized about making a difference through economic development and sustainable urban growth. He has many good ideas and has the people skills it needs to make people listen to you. He knows a lot about how to talk to people when he has something important to say--which is truly half the battle. One thing I have realized about falling deeper and deeper into love is that it can go two directions--you can lose yourself or you can really become yourself. B is teaching me more and more about what it is like to be me.

Downward Facing Dog

Dogs are my favorite animals. They always have been and always will be. I know its not very exotic or original, but I think they are very comforting. I guess because I find this blog to be all about honesty, I want to be able to say that one day--Summer 2006, I bought a puppy and I named her Molly. I bought her in the American Kennel Club dog shop on 62nd and Lex, where all the cute Upper East Siders buy the dogs that fit in their Louis Vuitton purses. She was $1000, not including the fact that she needed a doctor, and all of her stuff that I had to buy too.

An Israeli woman sold her to me, and I think influenced my purchase dramatically. They cleaned her up and tied a pink bow in her hair and I brought her home. I was terrified but so excited. She was so cute and I couldn't help but fall in love immediately. After a short time, give it three days of hell, I realized that my full-time and sometimes unconventional work schedule was completely ill-suited for a puppy. Crying and upset, I got into a cab and took Molly uptown to the dog store, where I lost half my money and all of my dignity as I handed her back, crying. The woman glared at me as I handed it to the clerk, saying "You should probably think about things before you do them." What a saleswoman.

I shouldn't have cared what she thought about the puppy, but I felt awful. I had abandoned a friend. We all knew that a cute puppy from an upscale store would find a home soon enough in a giant penthouse, but it took another two months before I could in all good conscience walk down that block. This made it very difficult to get to my grad school at night, as I had to bypass it on the way from the subway.

My point is both that the dog helped me, and that the dog is an example of what I am still trying to attain. She helped me by keeping me from being lonely, from being a nice companion, and by bringing a smile to my face. She hurt me because I did what I always do, and thought that I could take care of everything and everyone, even though I very well could not. I can't help but think about this sometimes in Yoga while I am practicing my downward dog position.

This position is something you have to do, on average, 20 times in Yoga class. Its unavoidable. Its like how every morning, you have to get up and pee even though its not time to get out of bed yet. Like that. I have found that downward dog is where I feel at my most calm, even though I am not very good at it yet. Aside from it giving me a good stretch, it allows me to try and perfect it. I know what a perfect downward dog is supposed to look like, and so I have some goal to attain. I also can feel my own flexibility level. At the beginning of class, I am completely sore and stiff. By the end, Down dog feels like just as much work as everything else, but it is something I can do--its something I have developed throughout the class.

Today I am realizing that maybe its ok to not be able to do things you thought you could--have a puppy at the age of 21, have the perfect down dog in Yoga class, have a perfect econ presentation where your palms don't sweat. Either way, I am trying to recognize these things. All of the things I have read about Yoga have told me that the first step to uncovering yourself is knowing yourself. I miss that dog, but I hope one day I can have all sorts of things in my life that I can take care of -- as well as myself. For right now, I am starting with me.

Chronicling Philanthropy

Today I decided it was about time I got down to blog business. Mainly, it's pretty much time that I sit down and think about some of the problems I am having with (ultimately, of course) starting my own organization.
I know, I know. Things don't happen overnight. Ugh, if there is one piece of advice people can stop giving me, its that catch phrase. I KNOW I am impatient, so therefore I know that things don't happen overnight. There is, of course, the problem (that I'm trying to correct with Yoga) that I always want things to happen overnight anyway. As if wanting it really badly will overshadow the unlikely possibility that things will happen that quickly. To my left is a map of Mozambique. It is, specifically, a map of Mozambique natural resources shown through the legend. I am keeping it right there on the left side of my blog to remind me of the fact that I don't want to be here forever.

Frankly, if it were up to me and not financial constraints, I would simply abandon ship right now and focus solely on school. I was walking through the NYU campus yesterday and reminiscing about when life was as simple as wanting to get a good grade. I am a perpetual nerd. I love school. I love the excitement that comes from being in a class where people are interesting and the professor has a sense of humor. I hope that all these years of schooling are going to lead me to a better place. I have found, through my few years in the working world, that people never really want you to have a ton of ambition. They would love to have the same person working in a job for twenty years...content with being where they are in life, instead of constantly being on a stepping stone to something else.

I wonder if I will ever get like that. So far, not at all close. My ultimate goal is to open my own nonprofit organization, dealing with Southern Africa and poverty alleviation. I am also interested in HIV/AIDS prevention--but I actually think I could be of better use to help alleviate the poverty of those infected rather than being on the medical side. My math/science skills for coming up with a new vaccine are slightly underdeveloped.....

I am particularly interested in the ways in which the networks already in place in these communities can help sustain poverty alleviation throughout the region. I find myself focusing on Southern Africa for a few reasons. I have always had an interest in the region because South Africa is usually an American's first exposure to African culture. I found myself expanding, seeing how so many different cultures and societies can exist (some peacefully, some not) on one continent. I know I am not the first to be fascinated with such a question, but my B is bringing my interest to Mozambique, particularly because of the fact that it is attracting more private investment than helpful aid. THIS in itself is a true irony for an African country.

I need to explore these questions further...
If you are reading this and have any good resources or books on African society, throw them my way!

Food, Glorious Food!

In case you are one of the few people not recognizing the above quote, its a song from Oliver! the musical-which I have seen about once the entire way through. Today I am watching Celebrity Fit Club and enjoying the fact that it is the weekend, and yet the fact that Monday is looming is somewhat getting to me. This doesn't really have anything to do with food, in theory, however I think I'm getting somewhere with this. 

When you eat a really good meal, you feel 100% fulfilled. Literally, your stomach is filled, but also I think there is a part of my heart that is filled because of the goodness of the food. Today, I have really been thinking about why it is that I sink into this doomed mindset during the week. I need to keep the "Full Belly" of the weekend, all week long. I realize that this is harder to do this action than write it down on my nice blog, however I really think this is key. 

I know we need to start eating better. I bought this book a few months ago called "Food and Mood," written by a few doctors about the linkages between how you feel and what you eat. I also am starting to experiment with different types of vitamin supplements. This includes cranberry and vitamin c (I can't stand cranberry juice)....Eventually I want to be taking selenium and fish oils.. though seriously the fish oils gross me out a little bit. Particularly the smell. The important point is that the things going into my body need to sustain me from weekend to weekend.. and moreover, from day to day. 

I know it takes time for all of these changes, for all of these transitions and figuring out my exact path. Maybe I am rushing to be satisfied when I should be enjoying every course of this meal that I am eating. 

I hope that these books are right and that there are natural solutions to fighting things such as Depression. I definitely like the idea of taking what is already there, and not really searching after some chemical that is going to "correct" or "numb" me. 

By the way, look for a post this week about my book about Yoga and Depression.. my thoughts on it are too overwhelming to put down until I have finished the book. 

A New Mantra

Check out that pose! That is called a Bind, and it usually is done after you have already done your warrior positions. Slowly but surely I hope to learn all of these names. It could possibly take a long time. What I enjoy about this position is, quite frankly, its name. I don't even think I am advanced enough to do a Bind properly--and have tried several times to do so in class and have failed. B can do it I believe, but he is much more advanced than I am. This position, that I cannot do, is why I love Yoga. Or am beginning to love it.

Yoga takes something, like a Bind, and makes it the opposite of itself. It makes the Bind into something relaxing. It's not a Bind you can't get yourself out of. In fact, it is the opposite. It is a Bind that it is in your best interests to get into. This idea of turning your stress, your obstacles, your hardships into something necessary and fulfilling is, I think, what Yoga is all about. It needs to become what my life is all about as well. Taking the things that are struggling inside me, and confront them head on.

I have help in this regard. I am not a lone Yoga student alone on a beach (I wish I were on a beach!) I in fact have supportive friends and family to help me. Last night I went to a wedding expo, where there are TONS of brides to be--trying to figure out how they want to present their love to the world. Perhaps at our wedding Brunno and I can just do Yoga positions at the altar. This way, we can show people how we want our relationship to be presented--through the fact that we place ourselves in challenging positions and try to make them work for us.

I came home to a lovely site. I came home to candles and a bath. Two things a girl never turns down together. We just enjoyed each others company. I think sometimes what makes us strongest together is the fact that we are not afraid to confront the things that bind us. They make life hard, but they also make for those amazing moments when you can unravel, and just float.

Time Goes By So Slowly

Those are the words of Madonna, so I figured they are basically as good as Gospel. This is also the mantra of anyone at a job that they hate. Hate is such a strong word. Dislike. Truthfully, though, sometimes that feeling is hate. It is the hate that comes from feeling like you aren't getting what you deserve--which is also what Madonna's song is about too!

Today I had a thought about growing up. Obviously it was very profound, but even though you may be in shock I will share it with you anyway: IT SUCKS.
Well, it doesn't completely suck. I am marrying the most wonderful soulmate a person could ask for and getting to learn my lessons with him by my side. We love each other unconditionally and that is pretty much 4 million times better than any day sitting at a desk with fluorescent lighting. I haven't spent a lot of time talking about him because the feelings I feel are very inherent for me...they just are. It's like talking about the fact that I am a female, or something. It just sometimes needs to be pointed out that what is making life worth living is learning to figure out things with the person I love the most.

Romanticism aside, I know that I am having the 20-something's dilemma of idealism. I want to change everything, and I want to refuse to settle. All of the anger that comes with having this goal unrealized comes bubbling out of my mouth, and of my eyeballs sometimes when I can't control it. I know that I need to realize my potential and power, and to grow beyond what I see as my own limitations. What winds up happening is usually a whole bunch of nothing, and I know that that has to change. Sometimes I go back and read my own Blog to cheer myself up. I need to keep reminding myself of the same things.

Going back to Elizabeth Gilbert, the writer of "Eat, Pray, Love" that I cite occasionally,
she explained in the beginning of her work that she saved herself from getting incredibly upset by writing to herself on a piece of paper. "It's okay, I am here," she wrote. She reassured herself that there are always two sides. There is the everything sucks and is hard and difficult side, and there is the I CAN DO THIS I KNOW I CAN side.
Me?

Today I am both :)